Actions speak louder than words
Werent there more people in our group?.......
As I recall it, about 2 years ago, our group (by group I mean the people who do stuff on Saturday night) was much larger and the majority of the people within it were single.
Since then, as people have been 'getting together' as it were, attendance has dropped off and all of a sudden the only time you see certain people is at church on Sunday night.
Now I understand that people are busy and so on, but it seems like most single busy people still make it out and the busy 'going out with someone' or married people do not.
I know this post is generalising, but I am observing on what I think is generally going on.
What sort of message does this send to the single people? Well, the actions are saying that I will hang out with you guys while I am single, but as soon as a better offer comes along, well I'm giiiiooooonnnneeeee. By people's actions they are saying that being with someone is a preferred situation to be in.
So many times I have had a friend who I hung out with heaps. As soon as they got a girlfriend though, all of a sudden I never saw them any more. They always had time for me before, but all of a sudden I just wasnt a priority. Their actions were saying that they were happy to hang out with me while they were single, however once a 'better offer' came up, I had to go and look for some new friends.
This situation is unfortunate. From the bible we know that both singleness and marriage are equally valuable in God's sight. However, from the way Christian people (myself included - dont get me wrong, I am not thinking in any way that I am different) behave, singleness is an inferior life style. As much as people SAY that it is great to be single, their actions are often saying something different.
Last night at after supper supper the response to 'What's so good about being single?' was unanimously that you can do what you want. Unfortunately, when all your friends are spending time with their significant others, knowing that you just clocked up your 60th hour on a particular xbox game doesnt get you rejoicing that you are 'doing what you want'. Gee, let me think... play xbox, or hang out with some cool Christian girl... it's not exactly a hard decision.
Now this being said, credit where credit is due. People like Johnny and Morwenna, Mark and Geno, and Kester and Cath seem to be making genuine efforts to hang out with the remnants of the group.
But with many other people (not just at church I mean), it seems like the instant they get together with someone they just spend all of their time with each other. When you ask what so-and-so is up to tonight, often the reply is "They are over (insert boy/girlfriend's name)'s house". While they were so happy to hang out with everyone before, all of a sudden they are a ghost.
To be honest, I dont know if I would be any different. With this in mind I guess I would try to hang out with (insert future girlfriends name here) at other times and try to keep Saturday night open to still hang out with the dudes, but until I would be in that situation I cant say.
Sure this might all be hard in the light of reality, but what message do you send the single people you know?
This certainly isnt all there is to say on the topic and I understand that I have painted a fairly one-sided view of the subject, but then, that's what the 'comments' section of blogs are for arent they?
posted by Stoobie @ 10:57 am
7 comments
7 Comments:
I agree with you, I've found that happens with my friends at church too. Once they find someone it's like "see ya!" and they spend every moment with this person.
I often struggle with society telling me that my singleness is something I should discard as soon as possible, that people who are part of a couple have more significance than those who aren't.
Fortunately I do have some coupled up friends who don't fit into that exclusive group and even some who remember what singleness was like. Hurrah!
Singles of the world unite - hurrah for singletons!
Stupid society! Thankfully I am so busy that I dont watch TV much because I think that can further warp your idea of what you are supposed to be like.
Hooray for friends who look out for people!
Singletons... sounds too much like simpletons to me. Maybe we should call them 'singletaculars'. Sure it doesnt roll off the tounge as well but the vibe is certainly there!
Well, i kinda agree, but kinda dont.
(This is long)
Ill be honest and say that if im going out with someone, then obviously ill spend as much tim eas possible with them, doo stuff for and with them etc. Derrr.
But.
As you know, im also a fan of keeping a life apart from the significant other.
So whats my point? Well, theres a couple of other factors that havnt been mentioned yet - and they are doozies.
Time. We dont have enough of it these days... 1 minute noodles, takeaway, and 'fast food' is an example of just the way we treat our eating habits - the rest of our lives is just as 'modernised'. I for one have zero time for anything (which will hopefully change soon), and the little amount i DO spend with mates WILL be sacrificed by about 80% for my grl.
This means bugger all left over for my mates. Its not that i dont want to hang out or whatever, its just priorities. I will still luv my buds just as much.
Now if you want to point the finger, fine. But think about it first.
It seems some ppl look at being single as being bad/boring/dumb. That is NOT the case. The prob is that our society (satan) has actively promoted sex as being NEEDED for happiness. For christians, having sex = getting married. So by defunct, to be happy = to be married.
This may be true to a certain extent, but my opinion (and it is only an opinion!!) is that if you can understand that a healthy sex drive is only chemicals affecting your brain (and for those that dont know me, trust me when i say i have more than the avg amount of testosterone!! :) - then you'll realise the whole idea of 'being lonely' (ie basically, wanting to shag) is a combination of our chemical-fuelled feelings and whats being pushed in the media.
If you grasp the idea that its all in the mind and not an issue at all (just like i WANT to chuck everything and leave for the amazon, but i DONT)- THEN it becomes clear that being single ROCKS. You just need to have the right mindset. I can leave for kezbekistan tomorrow if i want. I can go riding with mates to Vic for the weekend. I can fly up to see Hap if i want. I dont have to consult anyone(or the inlaws), nor do i have to go to baby showers/tupperwareparties/couples nights when id rather be at a racetrack! This will all be fine when ive settled down - but now is the time to do all the stuff i WONT be able to do later.....
So, the moral of my story is: LIVE it, this is the BEST time - not the 'waiting' time!! You'll have more than enough time (up to 50yrs!!!)being 'with someone' after yr married........
My 2c.
M
Sorry Mick, I dont agree with you.
I wasnt saying that you wouldnt spend more time with that person than anyone else, it is just that your time allocation indicates your priorities. If, all of a sudden you dont have time for your mates, you are saying that they have dropped off the priority scale. If you did still luv your buds as much, you would endeavour to spend time with them (to be honest, if you break up with said girl, and if over that time you have totally neglected your mates, they are unlikely to be there once the relationship dies).
You have been friends with your mates for years, why do all of a sudden they take a back seat to someone you have known for a month?
I definitely dont agree with the simple eqation about wanting someone so that your sex drive is satisfied. When i feel sad about being single, that is probably the last thing I think of as to why I am sad. A desire for relationship and companionship is pretty different to sex drive. I understand that the whole thing is pretty related, but I dont think you can draw those clear cut lines.
Also, my understanding that my 'feeling bad' is just that, my response to things, doesnt mean that knowledge is going to make me feel any better.
Did you notice that all of the things you said you could do involved spending a large amount of money? What if you were on the dole or something and all of your money was spent on existing?
Also, for me, the people I do stuff with are HEAPS more important than what I do. If I do something, a good conversation and rapport building stuff will be the fond memories or the event, not that I scored a goal or climbed a mountain.
Hey,
djm- why do you equate being lonely with wanting sex? There is sure more to being lonely than that (if wanting sex is part of it at all) Just think of the amount of people ringing lifeline who are lonely, I don't think they ring because they want sex. (although to cover myself some might, but they won't get it at lifeline)
Also I think your reasoning for couples getting married to have sex is skewed. I think that couples get married to have sex as they want to have sex (not for happiness as most seem to get that happiness is from God).
So I guess I agreed with what Stu said (this time).
Obviously these are just my thoughts on the topic.
Arrgh! I wasnt goin to post a reply, but this has got me goin..
I DIDNT MEAN THAT...
I SAID that the world is pushing the fact that you need to be having sex to be happy. And since Christians cant - they then by definition get the message that you need to get married.
I DONT THINK THAT.
I think you can have a perfectly happy relationship indefinately without sex. Personally, I wont be having a long engagement if she agrees. Whats the point? If we are going to make it work, itll work. If we have the idea that we have to 'wait and see how it goes' then we're in trouble b4 we begin...
my 2c
I often felt that as well Lozza. It felt like the married people have all the respect and you havent 'graduated' yet in the world of Christians. All the bible study leaders and people in responsible positions were married.
I was told, after asking to be a small group leader at MYC, that I wasnt old enough to lead a group. the funny thing was that this girl's husband was my leader the year before and I am older than him!
That being said, I believe that alot of that outlook is perception and just plain statistics. Normally the older people are leading and stuff, and generally, the older you get, the more likely to be married you are. Also, the fact that, not being married, you tend to notice (and get upset by) trends like this.
Also, at our church, a single guy led a bible study last year and I am leading one this year. So I guess those stats are helpful in our perceptions.
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